Someone asked me what my biggest fear is. Every time, I don’t hesitate. I just utter, “the break of dawn”. I’m pretty sure that the sun will shine tomorrow but what about tonight?
The wait for the sun to rise is more excruciating, and I hate that no one warns me about it.
They told me that the future will bring something bright upon us, but what am I supposed to do while I wait for it?
In the morning, we open our eyes because we’re told we must. We tighten our jaws and try our best to relax. For years, we’ve been running at full speed, only to know that the next edict is to stop. And now that we’ve done all the things we were told, we’re clueless about what to do next. We were told to sleep tight and enjoy the sunrise, but my feet just can’t seem to rest.
I got too comfortable with the weariness and exhaustion of this seemingly endless race, and now I just can’t seem to stop. I’ve been running for years, and I am so afraid to know what awaits on the other side. Now I’m nearing the end, as the black piece of cloth gradually becomes more vivid as I take one lousy step after the other I can’t help but wonder, what am I supposed to do now?
They say the first step is always the hardest. But what about the last? What am I supposed to feel as I take the final leap towards the line that separates the beginning to the end, as I cross the border from being comfortably tired towards the unfamiliar feeling of rest?
I feel like people are always handing me shots of this myth and the repercussion is me being drunk to the idea that leaving this place and finishing this race is such an inherently good thing. But now I stare as my fellow runners fall down in misery. As much as it hurts to see blood on their knees, and as much as it irks to hear their pains and agony, no one seems to anticipate leaving. We are all too busy catching our breaths; beguiled in the idea of an even more frightening thereafter.
I don’t know why they always seem so dismal, as they pace back and forth taking their time near the end, where the only thing left audible is our own voices and the ones on our minds. They say silence is supposed to be calming, but I feel otherwise. I always try to ask and talk to a friend but something inside me says, “Nobody thinks what you think. No one.” I feel like empathy might be on the brink of extinction. And so I tried to come up in an artistic way to say that I am fine, and I don’t need help. Just to conceal the fact that I am cowardly, and weak, and broken, and sad. And I don’t have the guts to admit that I am all of that in this small body of mine. And so I run, slowly, hoping that it will give me more time to prepare before crossing the line.
I’ve been running my whole life, but frankly, I can’t run away from the end. I can’t delay the end anymore, because if I do so, I would be left alone. But everything I’ve ever known is here within these walls. And everyone I’ve ever loved, I’ve met within these roads. What am I supposed to do if I would be forced to leave the only place I know of?
I take a few steps forward and now I’m on the last lapse. So this is how it feels waking up at the start of the end of the world. The road was filled with even more deafening shouts of pointless curses and nonsense verses. The shadows that scream that I’m alone - am nothing but a lonely runner. But even though I felt all kinds of pain and sadness along the way, I am to be magically happy crossing the line. Because then they’d take still frames of our victorious end - I should seem extremely happy then so I’d be able to encourage the next generation of runners. I tried to curl up my lips into a smile, cracks of my chapped lips make it hard to fully show all my teeth. I tried to swallow the lump on my throat; I inevitably close my eyes as I try to control the crazy beating of my heart.
A few more steps and I can already hear the murmurs of congratulatory banter around us. I feel out of place, I think I should be listening to a eulogy now, for kissing goodbye to what used to be our lives. And then I am finally here at the edge of the road. The screams and terror of exhaustion caused by the 4-year long race gradually fade away as I push myself forward.
I feel like I don’t deserve any of this. This unfamiliar feeling of finally achieving something is a stranger to me that I can’t even look at it straight in its eyes. I think that I am still fully clothed with the comfortable feeling of running at full speed, maybe because it’s all I know. I can’t seem to fully break loose from this suffocating exhaustion; I oddly never seem to want to, but as I gaze around me I just knew that I had to.
I never stray from running all these years, that slowly pacing my breath back to normal seems weird, but I like it, cause then I’d be able to fully hear what the birds had to sing, with my once-clouded with pangs and cries of enervation.
I always held my head high all these years, and looking down hurts my chin, but I like it, cause then I’d be able to see how far I’ve come.
“And I would say that we should take a day to break away from all the pain our brain has made, the game is not played alone. And I will say that we should take a moment and hold it and keep it frozen and know that life has a hopeful undertone.”
After crossing the line and throwing my body to that black piece of clothing, I realized how awfully scared I was. I was so scared to take our first step towards the end because the simple thought that creeps up in our minds of failing in an unfamiliar and altered road holds us back. I would much rather be comfortable living our lives with what we feel is more stable, the endless road of the incessant and tiring chase, than facing a brand new tomorrow.
The world likes to frame and picture leaving the long and tiring race of college only as an exciting time full of opportunity. The truth is, it’s more complicated than that. Mixed with the excitement are feelings of anxiety, fear, nervousness. But isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?
What it takes for me to get to the beautifully painted end, is to accept that it’s, at the same time, a much more excruciating beginning. I guess some races are just bigger than others. And it will be tiring, a few bumps along the road, some bruises are destined to get engraved in me while I run in the incessant chase of life.
If you’re a lonely runner just like me, take a deep breath. Unlock your jaw. Relax your shoulders. You’ve got this. You’ll get through this. Take one heavy step at a time, and try your best to let go of the fear that holds us back. As much as we want to run away from the fear of the unknown, this journey is a one-way road.
So if anyone asks me what my biggest fear is. I would still say, “the break of dawn”. Sure, it will be scary, but it won’t always be.
